You can't change direction standing still.

The subject of momentum came up for me a couple times recently. Once was during a very good speech that I had the privilege of attending this weekend. And the second was while listening to a Lenswork podcast titled "The Value of Momentum". This particular Lenswork podcast is anecdote describing the author's childhood experience with his first car and some very good advice given to him by his father: It's easier to turn the wheel, to change direction, if you're moving forward even a little bit.

Maybe it's a coincidence, or maybe it's a sign. But it's certainly pertinent. Like sailing into a headwind, I've lost most of my momentum.

Just after (I quit) college I had a lot of fun traveling with the Renaissance Festival and then truck driving so that I could see the country. But as that got old, it was soon apparent that I needed a career. And more than that, I wanted to be really good at something. Computers were an obvious choice. The Internet was just becoming very mainstream, IT jobs were increasing in demand, and computers were in my blood. Heck, I started tinkering with programming on a Commodore 64 before I even knew the periodic table. (This particular comparison comes to mind because I actually learned the periodic elements via some educational software on the C-64 two or three years before it was introduced to me in school.)

It took just a couple tries to get my foot in the door with my first IT job. And then as Nik once said I "hit the ground running". I worked during the day, took courses some evenings, tinkered other evenings, and did more work over the weekends. I dedicated my life to learning, and it paid off. "I got good." My salary approximately doubled with each new job I took. And I didn't slow down at all until the dotcom company began to fail and started to burn out.

Really tough jobs are more than just long hours. They're fast paced, involve tough decisions, lots of responsibility, and brutal politics. That was the dotcom company. I've never had a job like that before or since. And I'd say that was probably the highlight of my career. I learned more there, about more things, than any other job. And I had mad momentum.

But as the company started to hit some very serious walls, I finally grew tired. I needed a break. And when they went under I was determined to take a break and not work for few months. That is also when someone first introduced me to EverQuest (EQ), the crack cocaine of video games at the time. (Currently replaced by World of Warcraft.) EverQuest was the kind of game that I might have wished for when I was really young, "Maybe in a hundred years from now they'll have a fantasy world where you can actually go!" The first time I played EQ, I played at least 40 hours straight. I remember there was at least an eight hour period where I didn't eat, drink, or go to the bathroom. I know this because I remember being very surprised when the sun had come up, and then being surprised again when the sun was going down. "Holy crap! We need to order pizza or something!"

These Massively Multiplayer Games (MMOs) were the first of two bad things to happen to me on the heels of my burnout. The second thing was my current job, which landed in my lap thanks to a friend. I was sleeping one afternoon when he called and asked, "What are you doing? Do you have time to talk to my manager?" I was more or less employeed later that afternoon, though it took several weeks for the paperwork to clear. I was tired, but my momentum was still going strong.

There is nothing inherently wrong with my current employer. In fact, there is quite a bit of prestige that comes from working there. But it was too comfortable: I got to work from home. I sometimes had weeks when there was very little to do. (Though those were offset by 60+ hour weeks.) And I no longer had to do anything myself. The job would have been just fine if I'd left for something better in two or three years, improved myself. Instead I stayed. I found myself in a comfy and unlikely position where I didn't have to improve. But like sailing into a headwind, my career was soon stalled. And worse, I haven't found it easy to course correct.

I could write pages and pages about my work situation. I've glossed over lots of details, nuances, and events. The last eight or nine years can't be summed up quite so simply. But those details really aren't important for this entry. In addition to the sailing analogy, I've often said my career is stalled like a whitewater rafter caught in a hole. I'm trapped, and I'm taking in water.

Perhaps though I'm being a little too hard on myself here saying that I have no momentum at all. I've picked up quite a bit of recognition in my new department. I've charted a new course in the company that I think may be fruitful if I can stay focused. And I have hopes of making a quantum leap with an external opportunities eventually. But I want to pick up some personal momentum as well.

I was reading the Wikipedia page for Richard Feynman recently and was gobsmacked by how much he accomplished. Plus, in the article I was captivated by a description of him as an eccentric: "He was regarded as an eccentric and free spirit. He was a prankster, juggler, safecracker, proud amateur painter, and bongo player. He liked to pursue a variety of seemingly unrelated interests, such as art, percussion, Maya hieroglyphs, and lock picking." This is a guy that I would have loved to hang around. (Alas! If I only I could have taken physics at Caltech in the 60s instead of, well, not being born yet. I guess I was lazy even back then.) His biography makes me want to do more with my life.

I've been thinking that I want to go back to school for advanced math and to combine that with computer programming. I'd love to do research into artificial life, neural networks, and the like. I'm not sure how to do that in my current situation though. Nobody offers an online degree in mathematics. My current job is far too hectic to try to schedule a mid-day course for a couple days during the week. And actually my current too hectic to much else at all. I haven't even gone out to take pictures recently, or to shoot, and definitely not to exercise. Even my weekends are impacted at the moment. And for what it's worth, I wouldn't be allowed to leave my current position to pursue the new career path I've charted at work either. I'm definitely stuck in that whitewater-like hole.

I was actually hoping get laid off last month; severance packages are still being offered I think and that would allow me to go back to school. I thought about changing my tag line at work to "Choose me! Q1 2010!" But since it seemed unlikely I would get chopped (I can't be easily replaced at the moment), it seemed a garish thing.

Getting a sailboat out of a headwind involves a bit of current and some patience. (--In my limited experience.) And that's definitely how I feel right now. I let my ship stall and now I can't get it angled to pick up the wind. I'm stuck, waiting patiently. Hopefully I'll get turned around eventually to pick up the next wind; at least now I'm paying attention, watching for it.